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You want me to go apple picking? The original sin?

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Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

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A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

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Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

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Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

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Wisdom of the day: Don’t do anything you don’t want to explain to the paramedic.

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I miss when The Weeknd made haunted strip club music. Didn’t know how good I had it.

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Sometimes I just say “no idea” because I’m too lazy to think.

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Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible.

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I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.