There’s nothing that I hate more than a failed nap attempt.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has downloaded:

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

Someone from 🇹🇷 has downloaded:

Imagine a refund on all the money you spent on alcohol.

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No one buys my theory that red fire hydrants are filled with ketchup and yellow fire hydrants are filled with mustard.

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Shout-out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my Speedo.

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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has downloaded:

Where do you see yourself five beers from now? What’s your five-beer plan?

Someone from 🇲🇿 has downloaded:

The horror: “Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone.”

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Listen up. If he hooks his sunglasses in the front collar of his shirt, he’s got something important to say.

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At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

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I’m a credit card, cause I’m always being used or denied.