Threatening my wife with a tariff every time she makes fun of me.

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I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac!?

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Life is hard. It is harder if you are stupid.

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If food delivery apps had never been invented, I would either be wildly rich or dead.

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Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

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Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

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I will never forget how to spell bananas, thanks to Gwen Stefani.

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I can’t work under these festive conditions.

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Do crabs underwater think that fishes fly?

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Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.