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People don’t hate working, they hate working and still being poor.

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Let me help you turn that software into hardware.

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Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

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Imagine giving someone your heart at Christmas, but the very next day they give it away. Haha, would feel so stupid.

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Studies show young people are having less sex than previous generations. I knew I was ahead of my time.

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My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

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You don’t really see women throwing their boyfriend’s stuff out the window anymore.

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Old enough to know better. Young enough to do it anyway.

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The way Christmas shopping expects me to have money right now is, honestly, disrespectful.

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No ChatGPT for me, thanks. I will be asking Liam Gallagher on Twitter.

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My favorite part about going camping is the part where I stay at home, and I don’t go camping.

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Hey girl, are you a burger? Because I love you.

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That little pocket on jeans is the perfect size for the money I have left over after I pay all my bills.

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Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

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My sleeping pattern ain’t even a pattern anymore, it’s a freestyle that’s on shuffle.

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Can I sell my feelings on ebay, I don’t want them anymore.

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Having a dirty mind and an innocent face is truly a blessing.

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I never forget to eat, but I do eat to forget.

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I’m actually pretty attractive, if you don’t compare me to anyone, ever.

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Ramen is just anime spaghetti.

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The money I made gradually, you need urgently?

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Being rich is going to look so cute on me.

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I’ve already picked out my sweatpants for New Year’s Eve.

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In search of someone who loves me as much as I love my snooze button.

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I hope the babies I was born with at the hospital are doing good.

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The lioness does not concern herself with the pile of clothes she moves between bed and chair every day.

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Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better.

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Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is.

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I’ve decided to become an organ donor. When I die, I want an elephant to get a new trunk.

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Pouring Diet Coke directly into my gunshot wound.

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Sports are better when you have hate in your heart.

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When you accidentally laugh at your own thoughts, and now people are staring.

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As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

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I told myself I’d behave today. Then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow.

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When your parents are on a call and they ask for a pen, man, that pressure is real.

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I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.

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Saw a girl in a Franz Ferdinand T-shirt. She couldn’t even name three other main causes of the outbreak of World War I.

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Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous. IKEA Manager: Sir.

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Does running actually get easier if you do it a lot, or is it that you just get more masochistic?

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Can’t wait to get past this phase of my life. I need to see what all of this was for.

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