Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids.

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Scams used to be like “free money!” and now they’re like “hello, we have a job for you”, which seems to be a bad sign.

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There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work.

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Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job.

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I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

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Some people’s high horses are actually donkeys.

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This year for Thanksgiving, I’ll probably bring what I brought last year… shame upon the family.

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My husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape, so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband.

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I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

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Hey, you wanna come to a wedding with me? You could be the groom.

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Are you coming to the party? There will be noise and lights but I found a corner for us to hide.