What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of a lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with.

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Hot singles in your area! They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

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My girlfriend confided in me she loves when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly, I’m not a fan.

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Instead of writing LOL, I’m going to start writing SALTS (smiled a little, then stopped). It’s more accurate.

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Tomorrow isn’t promised, so eat that cake today.

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Nothing ruins my day quite like getting out of bed and dealing with people.

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It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

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I dare you to try and be more single than me.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has viewed:

Meetings are great because who doesn’t like being held hostage?

Someone from 🇧🇳 has downloaded:

I’m now at the age where happy hour is a nap.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has copied:

Why does tiredness on the couch not follow me to the bed?