When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

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Sex is cool but have you ever had a king size bed all to yourself.

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I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

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True romantics have made peace with the possibility of lifelong solitude.

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My boss told me “It’s not rocket science.” Yeah, almost everything that exists is not rocket science.

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“Hey you!” is short for “I have no idea what your name is.”

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Sorry, I ghosted you. I just felt like you were gonna ghost me, so I did it first.

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Some people are wise, some folks are otherwise.

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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

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If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called Audacity.

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If he doesn’t like your fruit puns, you need to let that mango.