Whoever said it was okay to let your pets sleep in your bed, thanks a lot, now my goldfish is dead.

58 shares on Discord this month:

I forgot to turn my clocks back and, oh my God, you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

63 shares on Snapchat this month:

Every Microsoft Teams invite you get lowers your testosterone by 1-2%

11 shares on Pinterest this month:

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet because I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

77 shares on Facebook this month:

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t change clothes.

70 shares on Instagram this month:

For Halloween, you should be mine.

61 shares on Pinterest this month:

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti?

81 shares on Messenger this month:

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body. Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

76 shares on Instagram this month:

I’m at the age where a house arrest no longer sounds like the worst thing.

31 shares on Instagram this month:

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

60 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my money’s worth.