Your secrets are safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.

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Sorry, can’t. Waiting for my clothes to come back into style again.

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My life would be pointless without cheese. Or as the famous song goes: “Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone!”

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Coconut water taste like it’s been in someone else’s mouth.

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Sneaking up behind people and marrying them.

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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely!

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Old people be like “no elbows on the table, it’s rude” then say something racist.

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Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

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People will say stuff like “Well, at least if WWIII happens, I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true.

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Haggis – the meal you have to stomach twice.

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“Baby on board” Okay, well, can you tell him to drive faster?