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Well, that's a relief! Looks like I won't have to worry about the zombies mistaking me for a buffet anytime soon. I guess all those years of studying and working on my brainpower are finally paying off – literally a life-saving investment!

brain, eat, fear, humor, joke, monster, safety, survival, zombie

Trending Funny Quotes 👇

My ex texted me saying, “Hey, I miss you,” so I replied, “Sorry, I have zero bars — the past doesn’t have good reception.”

1 month ago

breakup, communication, ex, good, humor, i, me, miss, past, reception, reply, saying, sorry, technology, text, zero
If a man says “I don’t deserve you,” believe him. Because he is about to show you why.

1 month ago

believe, dating, deserve, honesty, humor, i, man, relationship, show, trust, warning, why
Introverts don’t recharge with sleep, we recharge by being left completely alone for 3–5 business days.

4 months ago

35, alone, being, business, business day, day, days, energy, humor, introvert, left, recharge, sleep, social, social energy, solitude
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito; I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch.

1 month ago

annoyance, back, bite, humor, i, irritation, itch, kill, mosquito, over, pest, playful, revenge, sarcastic, simply, want
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door and say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

2 months ago

dinner, door, family, give, humor, i, independence, kids, McDonald’s, me, money, nostalgia, own, parenting, place, say, visits, wait
Home is where you trust the toilet seat.

1 month ago

comfort, home, humor, seat, toilet, trust

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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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Someone from 🇧🇹 has viewed:

Camping: When you spend a small fortune to live like somebody poor.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has shared:

Reading about two insects who fall in love in Italy. It’s a Rome ants novel.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has downloaded:

My favorite yoga pose is reaching for the remote control on the far end of the table without falling off the couch.

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She’s a 10, but she says ‘Orwellian’ when it’s clearly ‘Kafkaesque”.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has bookmarked:

Nobody has ever been given a cheeseburger and been upset about it.

Someone from 🇩🇯 has shared:

Sorry it took so long to text you back; my social bandwidth was buffering.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has downloaded:

Someday I will make a sandwich that will change my life forever.

Social Media Log 💫

Broadcasted on WhatsApp:

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why Eggs Benedict is $23

Freshly posted on Reddit:

Unknown numbers will call me, then expect me to talk first. Welcome to the breathing competition.

Making waves on Slack:

This meeting could have been an oil painting.

Spotted on YouTube:

In your 20s, you will be tempted to prove that you’re doing well. It’s important you resist performing for an audience that isn’t watching.

Going viral on Threads:

Introverts don’t recharge with sleep, we recharge by being left completely alone for 3–5 business days.

Going viral on Twitch:

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

Bugs Bunny taught me that my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

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Activity Log ✨

Zombies only eat brains, so you are safe.

My ex texted me saying, “Hey, I miss you,” so I replied, “Sorry, I have zero bars — the past doesn’t have good reception.”

If a man says “I don’t deserve you,” believe him. Because he is about to show you why.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito; I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch.

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door and say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

Home is where you trust the toilet seat.

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Don’t worry, bro. She’s probably just working on a puzzle right now. She’ll get back to you.

I will die on this hill or any hill really. I have no hill preference.

Everyone’s a gangster until they see a rainbow.

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!” New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit!”

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

My favorite thing to do is nothing, with no one.

My playlist is so random, I be heartbroken, thugged out, and yeehaw all at the same time.

I’m at the age where an uncomfortable bed will have me injured for a couple of days.

Like me, the weather is getting cooler around here.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Spiders are the only web developers who love finding bugs.

So I just googled my symptoms, turns out I’m addicted to you.

Instead of working on making myself a better person, I am going to purchase a cool new jacket.

Some people stay in the past because that’s where they peaked.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

AI won’t replace me because I’m already useless to society.

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Zombies only eat brains, so you are safe.

Related Funny Posts 🤝

My ex texted me saying, “Hey, I miss you,” so I replied, “Sorry, I have zero bars — the past doesn’t have good reception.”

If a man says “I don’t deserve you,” believe him. Because he is about to show you why.

Introverts don’t recharge with sleep, we recharge by being left completely alone for 3–5 business days.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito; I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch.

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door and say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

Home is where you trust the toilet seat.

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

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