New funny comedy quotes

• The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

• Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

• If you don’t laugh at my jokes then I will.

• Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

• Horror movies should add bloopers, so after watching the main film, you’ll be able to sleep.

• Every Jurassic Park movie should end with an insurance adjuster getting a phone call and immediately throwing up.

• At some point in life, you graduate from Family Guy to American Dad.

• My son loves Monty Python. My work here is done.

• The show “How I Met Your Mother” was just a really long TED talk.

• The worst part about going to work is the part where you have to go to work.

Top funny comedy quotes

• Wonder what I should wear to World War III.

• There should be bloopers at the end of horror movies, so it relaxes you before bedtime.

• Imagine you blocked me, and I crawled out from under your couch to ask why.

• Which wine pairs best with WWIII?

• I’ve mastered farting, and it be loud and quick, but the key is don’t make a face or look around, so people can’t pinpoint it to you. Just act natural.

• They’re called grown-ups because they groan every time they get up.

• When you’re sad, find two equally sad friends and form a cryangle.

• If cartoons have taught us anything, it’s the uselessness of little umbrellas when plummeting from a cliff.

• Just because I loved you at one point doesn’t mean I will always love you. I’m not Whitney Houston.

• Mister Sandman, bring me a meme. Make it the dumbest shit that I’ve ever seen.

Popular funny comedy quotes

• “Mom, how did we get so rich?” your father said, “Thanks, nothing from my end,” on thousands of important Zoom meetings.

• My signature move is me looking for my phone that I’m currently holding in my hand.

• During arguments with idiots, I wish I could throw a flash bang and disappear.

• Ratatouille is hilarious because the villain wasn’t even evil; he just didn’t want food cooked by rats?!?

• I have many talents, all equally un-monetizable.

• Love those deep burps that instantly make me feel like I lost 10 lbs.

• Should we all just give up and get really into drugs? Wait, this is literally what happened in the 60s. That just clicked for me.

• Umbrellas are great if you only want to get wet sideways.

• I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

• Forced to say “it’s okay” instead of throwing a chair at them.

More funny comedy quotes

• I can’t watch Sex and the City anymore, because I get really upset at how much money these ladies have.

• I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe, cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

• I just sneezed and farted at the same time. I think my body just took a screenshot.

• Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

• I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

• My favorite body lotion is Voltaren.

• Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

• Remember, guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

• “It’s Raining Men” and “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” are the same song from different points of view.

• They say we learn from our mistakes. That’s why I’m making as many as possible… I’ll be a genius soon.

Witty comedy quotes

• I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist, and inside… my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

• “I’m not falling for that again,” I say, as I’m about to fall for whatever that is again.

• When I trip, I always look back to see who or what did it, because it couldn’t have possibly been my fault.

• Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from a movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

• They’re releasing another “Jurassic” movie. Let me guess: The dinosaurs get loose.

• Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day.

• “What fresh hell is this?“ It’s actually the same hell as yesterday. Not fresh at all, really.

• Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy.”

• The older I get, the more I understand why Grumpy Old Men exist.

• If we get invaded by space aliens, I am immediately defecting to the alien side. Sorry.

Funny comedy quotes remind us that laughter is life’s best medicine 💊. Whether it’s stand-up specials 🎙️, hilarious memes 📱, or witty one-liners 🎯, comedy helps us see the funny side of everything 😂. These quotes are perfect for anyone who believes that a good laugh can fix almost anything 🙃. So keep chuckling, share the jokes, and let comedy keep your mood bright, your spirits high, and your smile wide 🤣!