50+ Funny Comparison Quotes That Prove Measuring Yourself Is Always Ridiculous

New funny comparison quotes

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  Getting an entry-level job before the release of ChatGPT in 2022 was like taking the last chopper out of Vietnam. Few realize this yet.

  Commentary:
  Trying to find a job before ChatGPT was like playing musical chairs... except they removed all the chairs! 🎶😅🪑🚁

• 
  Women are like a fitted sheet. No matter what you do or how hard you try, they just never seem to cooperate.

  Commentary:
  Fitted sheets: the ultimate relationship training ground! 😂🛌💪

• 
  In Star Wars, anyone can hop in any spaceship and knows how to fly it. I just spent 20 minutes trying to find the headlights in a rental car.

  Commentary:
  Trying to fly a spaceship in Star Wars: piece of cake. Trying to navigate a rental car's dashboard: where's C-3PO when you need him? 🤔🚗✨

• 
  That Coldplay CEO guy was held more accountable than the president.

  Commentary:
  Coldplay playing the accountability game like it's Viva La Vida 😂🎶 #PresidentialComparisons

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  Avocado toast at a cafe: $10. Avocado toast from Uber Eats: $25. Avocado toast made at home: $550 (my labor is worth $115 a minute).

  Commentary:
  When you're a master chef in your own kitchen and somehow broke at the same time 🥑💸👩‍🍳.

• 
  The first thing you need to know about social media is that everyone’s on vacation, except for you.

  Commentary:
  Looks like I missed the memo and the margarita! 🍹🏖️ Guess I'm stuck here holding down the fort. 🏢😅

• 
  Can’t say “I’m tired” without my mom making it a competition of who is the most tired and who has more reason to be.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like the Tired Olympics are in full swing at your house! 🏆😴😂

• 
  The difference between me and Superman is that he has super vision, and I need supervision.

  Commentary:
  Looks like I might need a sidekick called 'Adult Supervision Man' to keep me out of trouble! 😂🦸‍♂️🔍

• 
  “I’ve had cigarettes that were better than entire years of my life.”

  Commentary:
  Sounds like your future memoir title should be "2020: The Year That Really Needed a Cigarette Break" 🚬😂📅

• 
  Checking Twitter now is like staring into your refrigerator to see if anything good has magically appeared.

  Commentary:
  Guess I'm just hoping for a Michelin-starred tweet to show up in this empty fridge of doom! 🐦🔍✨

Top funny comparison quotes

• 
  Pizza crusts go uneaten, but people will devour an entire pan of breadsticks.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like pizza crusts need a rebranding team! 😄🍕🥖

• 
  Sometimes I think the subway rat is doing better than me. He has a routine, a social circle, and knows where to find the best pizza.

  Commentary:
  Why do I feel like that rat has its life more together than I do? 🍕🐀🏆

• 
  You get your hands on a real serious pair of scissors and wonder what the hell they were doing with the regular ones.

  Commentary:
  When you level up from Fisher-Price to Edward Scissorhands! ✂️😂✂️

• 
  Dating after 40 is like trying to find the least damaged item at the thrift store that doesn’t smell.

  Commentary:
  Navigating the dating scene after 40 feels like entering a thrift store where every "new" arrival needs a serious sniff test! 😅🛍️🕵️‍♀️

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  Don’t know how to explain this, but “hot honey” is the pickleball of condiments (derogatory).

  Commentary:
  "Hot honey is to foodies what pickleball is to sports fans – everyone won't stop talking about it but I'm still confused 🍯🏓🤔"

• 
  The only thing that drains faster than my phone battery is my bank account.

  Commentary:
  When my phone and my bank account are in a race to see who hits zero first 😂📱💸

• 
  Dropped my skinny boyfriend between the bed and the wall like a vape or a TV remote.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like your boyfriend needs a "lost item" alert just like a remote control! 😂📱🕵️‍♂️

• 
  Weekends now feel like short commercial breaks in a stressful movie.

  Commentary:
  Trying to fast-forward through Monday's cinematic universe 🎬😩⏩

• 
  Having a horse run off on you in medieval times must have been crazy. Imagine if your car got scared and ran away, and you found it a day later by itself at a gas station.

  Commentary:
  Who knew cars had such wanderlust? Hope it's not road tripping on my gas card too! 🚗💨🐴⛽

• 
  Trying to work outside on a laptop is like sunbathing on a melting ice cube.

  Commentary:
  Looks like my laptop decided to go incognito... permanently! ☀️🤣💻

Popular funny comparison quotes

• 
  Some people shop for designer heels. I shop for nonstop flight deals.

  Commentary:
  When you're more interested in runway clearance than runway fashion. ✈️🛍️👠

• 
  Like me, the weather is getting cooler around here.

  Commentary:
  Guess it's time for both of us to break out the cool sweaters! 😎🧥❄️

• 
  He’s an everything bagel… I’m just a nothing burger…

  Commentary:
  This sounds like the perfect recipe for a wacky brunch! 🥯🍔😄

• 
  My AI-generated girlfriend is hotter than your real girlfriend.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like your GPU is working overtime in the romance department! 🤖❤️🔥

• 
  Television is better for you than phone. It is like vaping vs smoking.

  Commentary:
  Trying to pick the lesser evil: the couch potato version of harm reduction 😂📺📱

• 
  People my age are on baby #2, and I’m on drink #5.

  Commentary:
  "Priorities: Babies for them, beverages for me! 🍼🥂 #AdultingLevelExpert"

• 
  TVs are like, literally, the only thing that has gotten cheaper as I’ve gotten older.

  Commentary:
  Is it just me, or are TVs the only things defying inflation laws like it's Black Friday every day? 📺💸😅

• 
  My favorite part about standing in line is watching the other lines move more quickly.

  Commentary:
  When I'm in line, I turn into a professional line-watching commentator: "And in lane 3, we have the speedy checkout champion!" 🏃‍♂️💨👀

• 
  Instagram is run by celebrities. Twitter is run by the streets.

  Commentary:
  Sounds about right! One app for the red carpet, the other for the shoes on the ground! 🎤👠📸

• 
  Ginger ale is the champagne of soda.

  Commentary:
  Pop open a can, I’m ready for my sparkling soda soirée! 🥤✨🥳

More funny comparison quotes

• 
  You have a bucket list, I have my head in a bucket, we are not the same.

  Commentary:
  My bucket is stuck and I can barely hear my list of regrets 🪣🤪🔊

• 
  I feel like Mario has more raw prowess, but Luigi is probably the more sensual lover.

  Commentary:
  If video game characters gave relationship advice: Mario for the action, Luigi for the romance. 🍄💚💥💏

• 
  Some people are like wallpaper… same pattern repeating every time.

  Commentary:
  Like a human screensaver on repeat! 😂🖼️🔁

• 
  I liked the version of you from the other dimension better.

  Commentary:
  Interdimensional upgrades are always better! 🌌👀✨

• 
  I’m an adult in the same way a tomato is a fruit.

  Commentary:
  Of course, a tomato fits right in at the fruit bowl meeting... or at least it pretends! 🍅🤣

• 
  A haunted house, but it’s just all apps and websites where you got logged out but can’t remember your password.

  Commentary:
  Reliving my worst digital nightmare! 😱💻👻

• 
  “Do you like using Twitter?” Does Sisyphus like his boulder?

  Commentary:
  Rolling through Twitter like Sisyphus with Wi-Fi 😂📱🪨

• 
  Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a red wine?

  Commentary:
  Well, isn't life just the sommelier of chaos! 🍷👔 One moment you're crisp and pristine like a white shirt, and the next thing you know, you're stained with the bold hues of red wine – a fashion faux pas of epic proportions! Here's to navigating the spills and splashes of life with elegance and a handy bottle of stain remover! 💃🍇

• 
  Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

  Commentary:
  "Monday morning be like... Here's Jack! 👀🚪😱 Who knew the real horror movie was starting the work week? #MondayStruggles"

• 
  Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

  Commentary:
  "Food and sex - two irresistible temptations in life! 💋🍔 Just like how even the most unappetizing meal starts to seem appealing when you haven't eaten, sometimes a little deprivation can make everything seem enticing. Bon appétit or bon amour, embrace the cravings in moderation! 😉"

Witty comparison quotes

• 
  You are the Monday of my life.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the classic Monday - the day we love to hate! But hey, just like Mondays, you bring a fresh start and endless possibilities! 💼☕️ Embrace the chaos and spontaneity that comes with being the Monday of someone's life! 🌟 #MondayMotivation"

• 
  Ramen is just anime spaghetti.

  Commentary:
  Ah, yes, the exquisite culinary masterpiece! 🍜🍝 Ramen, the anime spaghetti - taking your taste buds on a flavorful journey through the whimsical world of Japanese cuisine. It's like a delicious animated version of Italian pasta, with a side order of quirky characters and magical seasonings! Who knew that noodles could be this full of drama and flavor? 🌟😄

• 
  Everyone is posting their vacation pictures and I’m like… I went shopping.

  Commentary:
  "Feeling like a shopping spree is the ultimate relaxation mode 💁‍♀️🛍️ Who needs sandy beaches and palm trees when you can have a new wardrobe, am I right? 😂 #retailtherapy #shopaholic"

• 
  If you are hotter than me, it means I’m cooler than you.

  Commentary:
  "Hey, if you're feeling the heat, just remember, you're keeping me cool! 😎🔥 Stay chill, my friends! ❄️ #CoolerThanYou"

• 
  I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

  Commentary:
  "I may not have a fancy car with wing doors, but at least I can enjoy the luxury of Tupperware lids doing a little wing dance every time I open them 🕊️💁‍♂️ Who needs a Tesla when you've got Tupperware swag, am I right? 😂🚗 #FancyLivingOnABudget"

• 
  Why spend like $300 Dollars on a pair of shoes? Do you know how many chicken nuggets you can buy with that money?

  Commentary:
  "Why spend $300 on shoes when you could have a nugget-fest extravaganza instead? 🍗👠 Leave the expensive kicks for the chickens to peck at, and treat yourself to a banquet of golden nuggets instead! 😂 #ChickenNuggetCouture"

• 
  Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

  Commentary:
  "Those fake tans are giving off major 'leftovers in Tupperware' vibes 🍅🤣 Looks like they accidentally got the 'extra sauce' setting! 😂"

• 
  Jesus turned water into wine. I turn food into fertilizer. We are not the same.

  Commentary:
  "Jesus turned water into wine 🍷, but I turn food into fertilizer 💩. Guess you could say I have a different kind of magic touch 😅🌱 #NotExactlyAMiracleWorker"

• 
  A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

  Commentary:
  "Who would've thought that time can be so sneaky! ⏱️ One minute on a treadmill feels like a forever, while one minute in bed slips away quicker than you can say 'snooze'. 😂💤 #TimeFliesWhenYoureSleeping"

• 
  I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

  Commentary:
  "Imagine going to the doctor's office and finding a trail of treats leading to the examination room! 🐾 Who says bribing with snacks only works on pets? 🍖😂 Maybe we should start a 'treats-for-patients' movement! 🏥 #DoctorVsVet"