New funny day quotes

• Every day I ask ChatGPT if it knows where my keys are and if it ever knows the answer, I’m suing everybody.

• My youngest started kindergarten today and I cried, but mostly for his teachers.

• I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day.

• A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for some random stuff every other day.

• If you ever get a chance to date a cute person for one day, where will you take me?

• I wish laying in bed all day made me rich.

• I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

• Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle and explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

• Don’t rush me, I’m still deciding whether I’ll be productive or not today!

• Yeah, baby, I am an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.

Top funny day quotes

• The older I get, the less surprised I’d be if a random body part just fell off one day.

• Start each day with a positive thought, like: “I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours.”

• Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

• I didn’t know that Rome wasn’t built in a day. I wasn’t on that job.

• Laundry day is my favorite day of the week. That’s why I dress for it every day.

• Another fine day ruined by responsibilities.

• Today is one of those days that even my coffee needs a coffee.

• At bedtime, I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

• People always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected”, but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day.

• Listen, before I had my coffee I didn’t know how awesome I was going to be today either.

Popular funny day quotes

• Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.

• By day I am just a regular loser, by night I am the same loser only it’s nighttime.

• People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

• Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.

• Just another day of not being hot and rich.

• Life hack: give yourself 8 to 12 hours of alone time in the morning to mentally prepare for the day.

• I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

• Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo DіCaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten.

• The most important meal of the day is the next one.

• One day you’re 18 eating pizza for every lunch, then suddenly you’re 30 and eating salad with celery and kale juice.

More funny day quotes

• The only thing I miss all day is my bed.

• You are the Monday of my life.

• Throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

• I’m just impressed by how ugly I’m willing to look in public these day.

• The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down, and so they decided to call it a day.

• I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size.

• I think it broke my boyfriend’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

• Be nice to me, I may be hot one day.

• One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

• The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

Witty day quotes

• “Beauty sleep” is bullshit. I sleep 14 hours a day and still look like trash.

• Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.

• I don’t mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.

• If you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish, you’ll get the house to yourself on Saturdays.

• I’m a big believer in not going to work on your birthday!

• Career anxiety hitting at random hours of the day.

• The day your kids stop waking up early on the weekend is the same day your body stops letting you sleep in.

• Sometimes you just need a Saturday to sleep all day and do absolutely nothing.

• So crazy to just be living every day through the slow-motion car crash of escalating fascism, and it’s still like, “Aww, man, I have to go to the dentist.”

• They should invent a day where it all works out.

Funny day quotes remind us that even the most ordinary days can turn into comedy gold 🎭. From spilled coffee ☕ to bizarre conversations 🗣️, daily life is packed with moments worth laughing about 😂. These quotes are perfect for sharing with friends who need a little pick-me-up 🌈 or for bookmarking when your day takes a weird turn 😅. So smile through the chaos, embrace the unexpected, and enjoy every funny twist each day brings 🌞!