50+ Funny Everything Quotes That Prove Life Loves To Be Extra Complicated

New funny everything quotes

• 
  “Is this a joke to you?” Unfortunately, everything is a little bit of a joke to me.

  Commentary:
  Everything's a joke, especially on Mondays 😅🤪 #LifeIsComedy

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  Wednesday is the part of the novel where the heroine stares out the window and questions everything.

  Commentary:
  Finally made it to the "existential crisis" chapter of the week 📚😅 #WindowStaringPro ✨

• 
  Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.

  Commentary:
  When life gives you lemons, double-check the instructions before you start a lemonade stand! 🍋🤔🙃

• 
  Welcome to middle age. Everything you encounter is either blurry or too loud now.

  Commentary:
  Middle age: the era of squinting at the remote and politely asking the blender to keep it down 😂🔍🔊

• 
  Babe, is everything OK? You’ve barely accomplished anything at all in your entire life.

  Commentary:
  Sure! Here you go:

  "Babe, I'm just exploring the scenic route of life. 🐢🚶‍♂️😂"

• 
  I was a nothingburger to him, but he was an everything bagel to me…

  Commentary:
  When he's the everything bagel, but you're just the plain toast 🥯➡️🍞🤣

• 
  Born to screenshot everything and never look at it again.

  Commentary:
  😂📸 Guilty as charged! My phone's storage is basically a screenshot museum I never visit! 🖼️✨

• 
  My toxic trait is thinking I can nap, then waking up 3 hours later in a parallel universe where I missed everything.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like you've discovered the secret portal to the Nap Dimension! 😴⏰👾

• 
  The words I can’t wait to hear someday, “I’m sorry, Mom, you were right about everything.”

  Commentary:
  Finally getting the "I told you so" badge—life's ultimate achievement unlocked! 🏆🎉😄

• 
  I hate it when I check my transactions history, and everything adds up like damn, so no one stole from me.

  Commentary:
  Guess I'm my own worst financial criminal… but at least I'm consistent! 💸😂

Top funny everything quotes

• 
  After ejaculation, men automatically realize that everything is vanity upon vanity.

  Commentary:
  Post-nut clarity: the original philosopher's stone 🧙‍♂️🤯💭

• 
  Men can stay up til 2 a.m., wake up at 6, be in debt, broke, alone, and still have faith that one day, everything will work out. It’s called being a man.

  Commentary:
  Only a man can be this optimistic running on caffeine, chaos, and sheer delusion! 😂☕️#NoSleepNoProblem #EternalOptimist

• 
  Hot girl in her 20s: It’s so weird, but I keep getting lucky, and everything works out in my favor.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like you've got a PhD in Manifestology. Can I borrow your syllabus? 🔮😄

• 
  I don’t understand why my cooking was garbage. I did everything right. I drank wine while I cooked. I had a hand towel over my shoulder. Literally everything right.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like you've got the chef aesthetic nailed down—at least your outfit didn't end up as rare as your steak! 🍷👨‍🍳🔥

• 
  I have lived way too many lives for people to think they know everything about me.

  Commentary:
  Guess I've unlocked the "mystery character" achievement in real life! 🎭🕵️‍♂️✨

• 
  Underrated life skill: only doing what feels genuinely right and letting everything else go.

  Commentary:
  Mastering the ninja art of 'Nope'! 🥷✨ Letting go like a pro! 🕶️💼🎈

• 
  He’s an everything bagel… I’m just a nothing burger…

  Commentary:
  This sounds like the perfect recipe for a wacky brunch! 🥯🍔😄

• 
  I started calling the new guy at work “Grok” because he thinks he knows everything.

  Commentary:
  Trying to understand him is like starring in a never-ending episode of "Are You Smarter Than Grok?" 😂🤔📚

• 
  The people that ask Grok everything are the same people that follow Google Map directions straight into a lake.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like their sense of direction comes with a "splash" of adventure! 😂🗺️🌊

• 
  Is 27 a good age to leave everything you know and love, and start over?

  Commentary:
  Starting over at 27? Why not! It's the new trend—like upgrading your phone but with life decisions 📱🔄😂

Popular funny everything quotes

• 
  If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

  Commentary:
  Looks like gravity hired cats as its enforcement agents! 😹🌍👋

• 
  I just bought a universal remote. This changes everything.

  Commentary:
  This remote has more power than my morning coffee! ☕🔀📺

• 
  Old age comes at a bad time. Once you finally know everything, you start to forget everything you know.

  Commentary:
  Brain's got the latest software update but the memory chip keeps glitching! 🤯🔄😂

• 
  What is it called when you’re smart but everything you do is freaking stupid?

  Commentary:
  A six-star brain running on half a tank! 🤔🤷‍♂️🤦‍♀️

• 
  I can’t flirt, but I’ll awkwardly giggle at everything you say.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like my flirting style is more awkward giggles than smooth moves! 😂😅

• 
  Sorry for being weird. It’s just that everything I talk about reminds me of every other thing I wanna talk about, so I try to talk about everything at the same time and explode.

  Commentary:
  My brain's a circus and all the clowns want airtime 🤡🎪🎉

• 
  I have thought one billion times about everything.

  Commentary:
  That's a billion more times than I've ever thought about going for a run! 🏃‍♂️💭😂

• 
  I’d rather throw everything I own in the trash than try to deal with people on Facebook Marketplace.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like the only thing more difficult than a Rubik's Cube solved by a squirrel! 🐿️🗑️

• 
  As I get older, I’m understanding why everything needs to be done before 12 p.m.

  Commentary:
  Getting things done before noon is like performing magic: still requires a wand, but at least you’re awake to wave it! 🧙‍♂️☕✨

• 
  The ‘E’ in my name stands for ‘Everything you need.’

  Commentary:
  "The 'E' in my name stands for 'Everything you need.' 🌟 So basically, I'm your one-stop shop for awesomeness! 💁‍♂️💼 #AllHailE"

More funny everything quotes

• 
  As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I’m totally flexible.

  Commentary:
  "When it comes to being flexible, I'm as bendy as a brick wall 🧘‍♂️💁‍♂️. As long as I get my way, I'm willing to contort myself into any shape necessary! #FlexibilityGoals"

• 
  Me drinking green tea: this is going to fix everything.

  Commentary:
  🍵 "Me drinking green tea: this is going to fix everything."

  Ah, the power of green tea – the elixir of life, the answer to all our problems, the ultimate solution to world peace! Who needs superheroes when you have a cup of green tea, right? Sip away, my friend, and let the magic unfold! ✨🍵 #TeaFixesEverything

• 
  Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed and cleaned everything thoroughly. Today I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

  Commentary:
  Looks like the kitchen drama turned into a bathroom surprise plot twist! 🪳🚽 Who knew a cockroach could cause such a household adventure? Just another day in the life of an unexpected insect relocation expert! 🤣 #HouseholdHijinks

• 
  Is everything expensive or am I just poor?

  Commentary:
  "Is everything expensive or am I just independently wealthy in an alternate universe? 💸🤔 #BrokeButBoojee"

• 
  Toddlers: I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now.

  Commentary:
  😂👶👅 "Toddlers: The original conquerors of the 'Finders Keepers' rule since forever! Their claim to ownership: the all-powerful lick of approval. Watch out world, they're coming for all your treasures – one lick at a time!"

• 
  Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it. Everything about it is shit.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the eloquence of discussing diarrhea 🚽. It's a topic we tackle with such finesse, splashing our way through the alphabet soup of D-I-A-R-R-H-E-A 💩. Truly, a word that's hard to stomach in more ways than one! 🤣"

• 
  Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs a personal organizer when you've got Tetris skills to pack a freezer like a pro! 🕹️❄️ Don't worry, your frozen peas won't be sliding around once you've nailed that perfect Tetris fit! 😉 #MasterFreezerPacker"

• 
  When I’m at a party, I pretend to be Pac-Man. I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.

  Commentary:
  "Oh, so you're the Pac-Man of parties, huh? 🍔🌮🍕🍟 Better watch out for those ghosts in human form trying to catch you! 👻😄 Keep munching and dodging, party on, Pac-Man! 🎉🕹️"

• 
  My boss told me “It’s not rocket science.” Yeah, almost everything that exists is not rocket science.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the classic 'it's not rocket science' advice from the boss! 🚀 Well, I guess when you think about it, pretty much everything falls into the 'not rocket science' category, right? 😂 #EverydayGenius"

• 
  Everything is dishwasher safe if you don’t care enough about it.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs labeled 'dishwasher safe' when you have a 'carelessly toss in and hope for the best' approach? 🍽️🚫🧼 #LivingOnTheEdge"

Witty everything quotes

• 
  Ex’s be like “I gave you everything”. Yeah, trust issues.

  Commentary:
  "Ex's be like 'I gave you everything'. Yeah, trust issues. 🙄 Sounds like they're giving everything except honesty and loyalty! 😂 #EpicFail"

• 
  I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the fine art of humble bragging 🌟😏 Excelling in excellence and humility like a boss! Clearly, you were raised right! 😎 #HumbleButProud"

• 
  Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, yes, we are setting some legendary precedents for the history books! Future generations will be like 'Remember that time they precedented the heck out of everything?' 📚👀 Let's hope they appreciate our unprecedented dedication to being precedent-setters!"

• 
  Everything is 10 times funnier when you are supposed to be quiet.

  Commentary:
  When you're trying to stifle a laugh in a serious situation, it's like trying to hold back a sneeze during a silent yoga class 🤭🤣 It's as if the universe decides to throw in some comedic timing at the most inconvenient moments! Quiet zones are basically comedy clubs in disguise 🤫😂 #SuppressingLaughsWithStyle

• 
  I just need to get over everything that has happened to me in my entire life and then we can hang out.

  Commentary:
  "Sure, let me just schedule a quick 100-year therapy session and we can totally chill after that. 🕰️🧘‍♂️ #LifeGoals"

• 
  Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

  Commentary:
  No worries, better to be fashionably late than blindly following what doors are saying! 🤣🚪 Next time, just make sure to consult with the windows too! 😉

• 
  Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend.

  Commentary:
  "Parenting a teenager is like having an opinionated sidekick who critiques your every move… except they live with you. 🤔👯‍♂️ #TeenageTales #ParentingAdventures"

• 
  Everything will kill you so pick something fun.

  Commentary:
  "Life is a dangerous game, so might as well go down in style! 🎲💥 Whether it's skydiving, spicy food, or extreme knitting, make sure your demise is one for the books! 😜🔥"

• 
  I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down.

  Commentary:
  "Two key life lessons: 1) Always remember to… uh, wait, what was it again? 🤔 2) Ah yes, WRITE IT DOWN! 📝 The struggle is real, folks! 😂 #MemoryFail"

• 
  If these walls could talk, they would definitely say “Wow, this guy really does add cheese to everything after all!”

  Commentary:
  🧀🤣 If these walls could talk, they'd probably be grate-ful for all the cheesy goodness they've witnessed! Looks like this guy's relationship with cheese is no secret around here.🧀😂