50+ Funny Family Quotes That Prove Every Home Is A Comedy Show

My mom recently asked me how to take a screenshot. At first, I laughed, but then I remembered she taught me how to tie my shoes.

I’m broke in Monopoly, and my husband just asked if I want to earn $100.

“You’re crazy.” God forbid I keep my family traits alive.

Unfortunately, I am the first person in my family to do what they want.

I hear the responses my young siblings give my mom, and I’m speechless; they don’t know the commando she was in her prime.

In my culture, family is completely unimportant. And we hate food.

Nobody can ragebait as successfully as your own mother can.

I totally understand those uncles and aunts who don’t attend gatherings.

I’m starting to understand the distant uncle.

Years of personal growth can be unraveled in 2 days at your parents’ house.

I hate being at the age where you feel obligated to buy your whole family gifts for Christmas, but also the age where your bank account doesn’t feel obligated to support that.

I hope my parents feel proud. They scared me so bad about getting pregnant as a teenager that now they’re never getting grandkids.

The amount of family secrets you uncover as you get older is wild.

There’s an unwritten rule: if you need something and it’s available at your mom’s house, it’s yours.

Cops wake up Christmas morning excited as hell to ignore their family and go sit on the highway with a radar gun for 10 hours.

What no one ever considers is that the kids are pretending to believe in Santa for the sake of the parents.

Honey, get in the car. We have to go to the store because we’re retarded, and it’s Christmas Eve.

My mom is asking each ornament, “Where do you want to live?” before putting them on the tree.

“Home Alone” is a holiday reminder that peace begins the moment everyone leaves the house.

Commenting “humiliation ritual” on a pic of my friend out with his family.

As a kid, I didn’t understand the subtext of ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ at all. I thought Mommy was cheating.

Once your parents move from “What time are you coming back” to “Are you coming back today,” you have won the war.

I apologize to my future son for the delay, but it’s just your mom ain’t replying.

Is it just my dad, or do all fathers watch videos on their phones with the volume full blast, with no concern for anyone else in the house?

I’m of the very strong opinion that sex ed should be taught by a woman 37 weeks into her third pregnancy, while her husband sits scrolling through his phone, and her other two children run wild.

My kids want to know what’s for dinner, like they’re going to be happy with the answer.

My father didn’t want kids, so he had two kids, which was the equivalent of zero kids at the time.

My future husband and I will be stay-at-home parents, and the kids will go to work.

Netflix had enough cash to buy Warner Bros., but cried poor when we shared passwords with our mom.

Cars should have two horns, one for “excuse me, kind friend,” and another for “curse you and your family for generations.”

Why do parents bust in your room like they trying to catch you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something?

My husband said it would be easier if we had a Christmas house that we moved into in December, instead of taking all these decorations out.

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again.

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

My dad told my sister’s new boyfriend to stand at the end of the picture so he can crop him out whenever she dumps him.

(pausing the TV and turning to my kids) Now I want to talk to you guys for a second about what Bart just told that man to do.

Every time I do something stupid, my dad stares at my mom like he wants a refund.

Play the Grindr notification noise at Christmas dinner to see which conservative relatives panickedly check their phone ringer.

My role at Thanksgiving dinner is to Blair Witch it alone in the corner.

For a guy supposedly called my “brother,” I’ve never seen him make broth even once.

Saying “You’re tearing this family apart” whenever someone argues with me.

The best part of Thanksgiving is being with family and friends, and a vast array of pies.

My bit for Thanksgiving is going to be constantly bringing up politics, but pronouncing every politician’s name slightly incorrectly.

Facing my uncle’s dreaded lightning bolt attack at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

In an effort to keep our house clean before Thanksgiving, I’ve asked my family to go live somewhere else.

This Thanksgiving, don’t ask me questions about my life, just pass the mashed potatoes.

If your family starts fighting on Thanksgiving, go live.

If you can’t tell which family member is coming up the stairs by the speed and weight of their footsteps, are you even family?

Brother: What are you bringing to Thanksgiving dinner? Me: Wine and unresolved issues. They pair nicely.

If you encounter a teenager out in the wild, be kind. They are the first generation of kids whose parents are cooler than they are.