50+ Funny Health Quotes That Prove Wellness Can Be Seriously Hilarious

New funny health quotes

• I don’t fight my demons anymore. We collaborate.

• Only difference between me and someone in a psych ward is I’m outside.

• If you see me looking zoned out, it’s because I’m having a therapy session with myself in my head.

• Therapy is basically me saying, “I did a thing,” and my therapist saying, “Yay, good job!”

• You can just enjoy kombucha. You don’t need to go on a tirade about cleansing your gut.

• The more water you drink, the more bathroom breaks, the less you work. Stay hydrated.

• Doctor advised me to stop drinking. This is going to be a big change for me. I was with that doctor for decades.

• All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

• First, they give you butterflies, then mental health problems.

• The only lesson I remember from the pandemic is that you’re only supposed to wash your hands if it’s your birthday.

Top funny health quotes

• Life hack: You can’t be sad if you are asleep.

• I like how people say “manage your depression,” like it’s a stock portfolio, but you’re heavily invested in sadness.

• Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

• If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

• Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

• Eat like your treadmill is watching.

• My body feels like it’s aging in dog years.

• My favorite body lotion is Voltaren.

• If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom, then I am absolutely nailing it.

• I wanted to study psychology, but I have more potential as a patient, to be honest.

Popular funny health quotes

• Unlike the stomach, the brain doesn’t alert you when it’s empty.

• Processed food was literally designed for you to eat. Organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere.

• I never thought I would say this, and it took me a while to come to terms, but I think I ate too much bacon.

• Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy.”

• Feelings are like children. You don’t want them driving the car, but you shouldn’t stuff them in the trunk either.

• My therapist said cutting people off isn’t healthy. She’s next.

• “You handled it so well.” Nah, I didn’t. I lost my spark, felt crazy, distanced myself from everyone, and hated myself.

• Rise and grind your teeth gently while ruminating over every past mistake.

• Being old is basically trying to figure out what part of the body the noise is coming from, and why.

• After 30, an all-nighter is not getting up to pee.

More funny health quotes

• I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning, but I also want to be happy.

• It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

• Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

• Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Me: OMg.

• Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

• A lobotomy and a forehead kiss would fix everything.

• Come on, brain, release the happy chemicals.

• I touched grass today, and I’m still like this. Please advise.

• Hiccups became less popular. I never hear people hiccuping anymore. What’s going on there?

• It should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. Like, no, I shut it off and back on again. Why are you still here?

Witty health quotes

• Before I drink, I eat liver so the liquor won’t know which liver to attack.

• I hope you all get laid soon, for your own mental health.

• Welcome to your fifties. Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine, and chicken noodle soup.

• Enjoy your 30s, because in your 40s, your first check engine lights come on.

• My desire to be informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

• My therapist says I’m preoccupied with revenge. She’s going to regret that.

• Sorry, can’t. I’m too busy growing new neural pathways to make space for a stranger’s opinion. Evolution takes bandwidth, man.

• Sorry, I had feelings. I’ll replace them with jokes right away.

• If pills are too toxic to flush down the toilet, you probably shouldn’t swallow them.

• Really wanted to be a therapist until I read some of your guys’ posts and problems, and I want nothing to do with that mess.

Funny health quotes remind us that while taking care of ourselves is important 🩺, it doesn’t have to be so serious 😂. From exercise mishaps 🏃‍♂️ to confusing health trends 🥴, our wellness journeys are full of comic relief 🤣. These quotes are perfect for anyone who’s ever promised to start “Monday” and instantly regretted it by Tuesday 🙃. So keep trying, keep laughing, and remember — a good sense of humor might be the ultimate health hack 😆!