New funny someone quotes

• Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop.

• Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

• Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

• If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people.

• I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

• I wanna date someone cuter than me, but sadly I am the cutest.

• Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone?

• I need someone to peer pressure me into doing things.

• You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door.

• Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

Top funny someone quotes

• When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

• I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.

• As someone who lives on earth, rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid, I’m intrigued.

• That awkward moment when someone keeps watching you while you are eating.

• When someone touches my phone, I automatically turn into a ninja.

• I need to hire someone to just constantly slap food out of my hand.

• “Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I ever.

• No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with.

• Never trust someone who can eat 24/7 but is still skinny.

• I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does.

Popular funny someone quotes

• Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny posts before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

• Starting tomorrow whatever life throws at me, I’m ducking so it hits someone else.

• When someone says “I don’t want a relationship right now” the “at least not with you” is silent.

• By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it’s too late.

• When someone tells me “They could care less”, instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less”, I always say “At least you care.”

• I need someone to look at me the way I look at memes.

• Throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

• Told someone I’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” and they blocked me immediately.

• When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

• Nobody views your story faster than someone who doesn’t talk to you.

More funny someone quotes

• Someone asked, “Can I bum a scroll?” because they deleted Instagram off their phone.

• Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing, because that’s the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

• Dating someone from Twitter is like believing a stripper loves you.

• We can’t all be underemployed creatives. Someone in the group chat needs to know what an insurance is.

• Me passing someone: you slow mule! Me being passed: okay, speed racer!

• Someone tongue kissed me recently in a way I can only describe as 5th base.

• Lowkey terrifying when someone attractive is actually into you, omg.

• I love how you get on Twitter, and all your thoughts are already in someone else’s tweet.

• The “Wooooooooo” track from sitcoms should play whenever you kiss someone in real life.

• Have you ever been in the car with someone who drives like we got extra lives?

Witty someone quotes

• Ever been in the car with someone who drives so fast that you press your imaginary brakes on the passenger side?

• My worst fear is looking out my window at night, and someone looking right at me.

• Liking someone romantically is actually just a humiliation ritual.

• I like it when someone feeds me their food without me asking. I feel like a part of my inner child heals.

• I get jealous when I find someone playing a song I thought only I knew.

• Whenever someone says “Per ChatGPT” or “ChatGPT says,” I look at them like they just consulted a magic 8 ball because, please, stop playing with me.

• Getting your hair washed by someone else is one of life’s greatest joys no one really speaks about often.

• Someone called me strict today, and that means a lot to me because I’m a recovering people pleaser.

• Got sent to HR for calling someone a “jellyfish” — just floating around all day, doing absolutely nothing.

• The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

Funny someone quotes remind us that life is full of those someone moments — where we either shake our heads at others or realize we’re guilty ourselves 😂. From friends who “know someone who did that” 👀 to being that person who starts the chaos 🤷‍♀️, these quotes highlight the humor in human nature. Share them with your crew 🤝, tag that someone we all know 😜, and keep laughing at the wonderfully unpredictable people around us 🤣!