Kanye is pretty mean for someone with ‘yay’ in their name.

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When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black.

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“Thug life,” I whisper to myself as I check out my sunglasses in the mirror.

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It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

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Today is a wonderful day to leave me alone.

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Girl, if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex.

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I finally used a screw from the random screw collection I’ve been accumulating for 25 years, and I’ve never felt so alive.

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People who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything.

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Best tips for saving money: lay down and don’t move.

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Whoever said it was okay to let your pets sleep in your bed, thanks a lot, now my goldfish is dead.

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I only drink when I people.