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A perfect metaphor for my life would be “Someone trying to stand up in a hammock.”

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Self-care is putting your face on a very soft cat.

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Blocking him isn’t enough. I want his favorite sports team to finish last every year for now and forever.

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I have good problem solving skills, but my problem creating skills are where I really shine.

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A McRib killed my tapeworm.

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Did it make you feel powerful when you didn’t let me merge onto the highway?

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Climbing Mount Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill, are cold and at the brink of death. No thanks.

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Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay.

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Dating apps aren’t working, time to walk into a cafe looking confused.

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I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.