You don’t scare me, I was married once.

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There are drug-sniffing dogs, guide dogs, dogs that save lives. And then there’s my dog, who hits the lead when he poops.

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This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes.

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There’s really nothing as pathetic as watching a sad little man argue with Grok in hopes of manipulating the conversation to get an answer he wants.

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My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

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Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it can make you hotter than your enemies.

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Everyone knows that Christmas is the celebration of the immaculate conception of Mariah Carey.

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The difference between coffee and your opinion is that I asked for coffee.

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I don’t mind being the villain in your story because you’re a clown in mine.

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Thinking the bodega owner likes you is exactly the same as thinking the stripper likes you.

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Have you ever met someone and thought that you couldn’t wait to spend the rest of your life without them?