I’ll never be badass enough to walk around chewing on a toothpick.

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God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo.

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When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

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Fun like a LinkedIn notification.

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Wonder if I should do something with my life, or kind of just continue to hang out.

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Probably always gonna be the weirdo that believes in magic.

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I woke up, got out of bed, and had coffee. I think that’s enough for one day.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has bookmarked:

I feel like I’m in season 5 of my life, and the writers are just making ridiculous shit happen to keep it interesting.

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Donuts are beautiful creatures, and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

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You ever met someone so dumb you gotta take a deep breath before responding to them?

Someone from 🇧🇼 has copied:

I identify as Michael Jackson, so my pronouns are “he/hee.”