I will not accept a hint. I will act dumb until you say it clearly to me.

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That awkward moment when you’ve said “What?” three times, so you just say “Oh, yeah..” even though you have no idea what they said.

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When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent.

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I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

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Them: “Ugh, could you be more annoying?” Me: “Oh God, yes!”

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Body by sandwich.

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Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

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It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married.

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December. The month at work where everything is January’s problem.

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It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

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I got us matching straight jackets for Christmas.