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They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than expected.

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A person that weights 200 pounds on Earth weighs 76 pounds on Mars. So I’m not overweight, I’m on the wrong planet.

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Everyone is all โ€œlove is patientโ€ during the wedding, but when thereโ€™s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

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“Excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries?” Me, interrupting a couple fighting.

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Soccer: I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new, beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty, sweaty, ruined one.

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Be nice to your childrenโ€™s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cause kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

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I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

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One downside of marrying a doctor is you have to give up eating apples.

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I donโ€™t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point.

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Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

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I will not accept a hint. I will act dumb until you say it clearly to me.

I will not accept a hint. I will act dumb until you say it clearly to me.

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When it comes to hints, I'm on a strict see-no-clue diet. ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ”

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Welcome to Wordgag! ๐Ÿ˜‰โœŒ๏ธ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’ฅ

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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ง๐Ÿ‡พ has viewed:

That awkward moment when you’ve said “What?” three times, so you just say “Oh, yeah..” even though you have no idea what they said.

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When I say Iโ€™m tired, the โ€œof peopleโ€ is silent.

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I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

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Them: “Ugh, could you be more annoying?” Me: “Oh God, yes!”

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Body by sandwich.

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Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

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Itโ€™s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married.

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December. The month at work where everything is January’s problem.

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It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

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I got us matching straight jackets for Christmas.