Watched Titanic for the 14th time. Still sobbing. Still yelling, “SCOOT OVER, COW!” like it’ll change the ending.

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Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun. Him: I love you more than a teenager loves his phone.

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Relationship rule: If the woman has told something and the man doesn’t remember, the man hasn’t listened. If the man has told something and the woman doesn’t remember, the man has never told it.

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I’m so old, I used to cry as a child because I fell off my skateboard or bike, not because I didn’t have wifi.

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The delivery guy absolutely hates it when I call him my pizza mule.

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If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems.

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Life would be so much easier if you could push a button that makes dickheads fall through a trap door in the floor.

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No one is more surprised than my kids every night when I say it’s bed time.

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Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour.

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This whole week could have been an email.

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Surely, this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson.