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Just heard my knee crack so loud I expected it to glow in the dark.

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Ending my thesis paper with โ€œbut who cares what I think?โ€

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I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather, but mostly because of the running.

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Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180ยฐC for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

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My best friend is married and buying a house. I ate popcorn for dinner.

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You call it nagging, I call it ‘listen to what I said the first time!’

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My coworkers think Iโ€™m always busy, but Iโ€™m really just trying to remember my password.

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American Feng Shui is when the grill doesn’t wobble.

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I enjoy excess, but only in moderation.

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Haircuts should be covered by insurance.

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“You look happy.” Thanks, I stopped dating.

“You look happy.” Thanks, I stopped dating.

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Finally found the secret to happiness: fewer texts and more snacks! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ•๐Ÿ“ต

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