Some people peak in high school. I peaked when I realized I never had to see them again.

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They say time is the solution to every problem. I’ve been waiting for five hours already and the room is still messy.

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To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle, we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder.

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Imagine how much better the world would be if everyone set aside their differences and came together as one to buy me a castle.

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What’s said in the blanket fort, stays in the blanket fort.

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No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

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Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

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If you compliment me, my glasses fog up.

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They say dress for the job you want, so I walk around dressed like Darth Vader.

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The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremedous boredom.”

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It was so hot today, I thought I was going to be cremated.