I started at the bottom, and it’s been downhill ever since.

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I’m not flirting with you. I’m just funny and you think you like me.

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Grateful to be living in the “Tetris when it’s going too fast and blocks are helplessly piling up” era of human history.

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Sometimes the laugh is funnier than the joke itself.

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I keep pressing the space bar, but I’m still on Earth.

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I just ate, and now I’m going swimming, so I guess this is goodbye.

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The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.

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The best part about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that bed of yours – left, right, middle.

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The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

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Not pretty enough for Instagram, not funny enough for Twitter. Welcome to WhatsApp status.

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Feels like the Chinese government turned up the power on the sleepy ray they use on me every morning.