A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

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I’m always sad when my sandwich is over.

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Her heart is an abandoned garden filled with ghosts and dying flowers.

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I don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, I am either not mad or will kill you.

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Everyone is posting their vacation pictures and I’m like… I went shopping.

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Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

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Nearly choked on a carrot. A donut would never do that to me.

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Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices.

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The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down and you don’t know whether to tell them or not.

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It’s like 10,000 yawns when all you need is a nap.

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I will never fall victim to groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest nonsense you’ve ever heard.