Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question.

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Some people stay in the past because that’s where they peaked.

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The most attractive thing a man can do is hitting his own head and repeating “stupid, stupid, stupid”.

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May he drop his phone on his face while he’s texting other girls.

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Driving home, listening to Gangsta’s Paradise, with my hands at 10 and 2.

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Not to brag, but I skipped my mid-life crisis and went straight to cranky old man.

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Pirate: walks the plank. Someone’s dad: Is this teak?

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A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

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You cannot hurt me. You are not a hip-height table corner.

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You don’t have to remember details when you don’t lie.

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When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is “Please forget.”