Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

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Forget Spotify Wrapped. How many minutes did you spend listening to your girlfriend this year?

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Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it.

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I’m bad at being sad. Three mins later, I’m making jokes about my situation.

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Turns out, sitting on the porch, feeding birds and squirrels, is a pretty good treatment for depression.

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He was only called Mr. Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

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We’ve got a shituation here.

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Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished”, must have fed some seagulls.

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If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with, “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

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How do they know an animal is extinct? Like, have you really looked everywhere?

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When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.