Dear brain, please finally learn the difference between hunger and boredom. I’m getting fat.

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Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

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Sparkling water tastes like that feeling when your foot falls asleep.

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Game night with the family is only fun until I lose.

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I am “I can’t remember the last time I went out on New Year’s Eve” old.

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The fun thing about Airbnb is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation.

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Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

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You realize you’re getting old when your body parts start fighting over which one hurts first.

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Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: “Close Enough.”

Someone from 🇼🇸 has downloaded:

Hanging out with your parents as an adult is so interesting, cause it’s like, “Oh, so that’s why I’m like this.”

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Saying “Hmmmm” when my boss walks in so he knows I’m thinking about stuff.