Dear brain, please finally learn the difference between hunger and boredom. I’m getting fat.

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The night before a day off is more satisfying than the actual day off.

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Haircuts should be covered by healthcare.

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Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

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If you scroll Twitter long enough, you too can burn calories by shaking your head.

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Putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep.

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If trees offered Wi-Fi, we would plant more of them. Too bad they only produce this oxygen thing.

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Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

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Patience: something you have when there are too many witnesses around.

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So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

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Dudes be named Will but won’t.