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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇺🇦 has shared:

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up, and more to warn the rest of us.

Someone from 🇩🇰 has copied:

If you want to hang out with me, all you have to do is ask, and I’ll say no.

Someone from 🇫🇯 has downloaded:

Who needs an alarm clock when you have a bladder.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has downloaded:

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

Someone from 🇮🇶 has shared:

Dearest, I beg of you, sleep properly and go for walks.

Someone from 🇴🇲 has bookmarked:

Twitter is an abusement park.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has bookmarked:

You should be able to google why a couple broke up.

Someone from 🇳🇪 has copied:

“I’m pretty good with money unless I leave my house or have access to the internet.”

Someone from 🇹🇭 has copied:

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

Someone from 🇵🇬 has shared:

I’m an adult, that’s why I can have Skittles for dinner.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

Funny Quotes Images

15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

Users Online

3,657

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via LinkedIn:

One sec, lemme just find the off switch for my brain.

Just shared via Reddit:

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life, I’ll be notified immediately.

Spotted on Facebook:

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

Spotted on Twitch:

I love saying “You’re welcome!” really loudly when someone hasn’t thanked me.

Seen just now on X:

If you don’t buy any snacks, you’re proud for a moment and then incredibly sad.

Spreading quickly via Messenger:

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

Going bananas on Facebook:

Has anyone else noticed that it’s hard to do things when you don’t want to?

Spotted on Reddit:

I see why history can repeat itself. People are really stupid.

Just shared via YouTube:

Sometimes being on your phone all day is your destiny.

Just shared via TikTok:

Don’t buy me flowers. A bouquet of KitKats will suffice.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you!” Maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it.

2 months ago

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Commentary:
"Words of wisdom: Don't bite hands, folks. Keep those pearly whites in check! 🤭🦷 #NoHandBiting"

advice, bite, context, feeds, hand, hands, humor, just, qualify

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Social Media Stars ⭐

16 shares on WeChat this month:

People who think naps are a waste of time obviously don’t understand how naps work.

80 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

31 shares on YouTube this month:

I consider the second page of Google results the dark web.

97 shares on Snapchat this month:

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults. Write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong.

65 shares on X this month:

I think one of my biggest hangups in getting better at Spanish is that speaking with the correct accent makes me feel racist.

54 shares on Discord this month:

Phone is a cigarette for eyes.

69 shares on Facebook this month:

One day I’ll do amazing things. Today I’ll be satisfied if I don’t spill food on my lap.

88 shares on Discord this month:

It’s not magic, but I bet you are reading this post with one leg on top of the other.

45 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I miss whatever age I was when I thought five dollars was a lot of money.

28 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇹🇬 has shared:

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has downloaded:

Spending money on disappointing food is a different type of pain.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has shared:

There is no sex. I lied. You are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes with me.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has shared:

I am a friend to all cats. Yes, even the mean ones. They have their reasons.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has bookmarked:

In a room full of art, I’d still stare at you.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has downloaded:

We really do need a separate grocery store for people who’ve been on Earth before.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has downloaded:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Someone from 🇨🇻 has bookmarked:

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has viewed:

His palm trees are Serengeti, destination wedding, luggage is heavy. There’s vomit on his tux already, Dollar store confetti.

Someone from 🇦🇷 has shared:

My stomach just made the exact sound of the “your” in “your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system.”

Social Media Log 💫

Spreading quickly via Slack:

Manipulative people really be like “oh, so now I’m the bad guy for being the bad guy?”

Broadcasted on Messenger:

Pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding”, so in a way we are all pesto.

Seen just now on WeChat:

Did it hurt when you forgot your headphones and couldn’t romanticize your walk home?

Seen just now on Instagram:

The difference between coffee and your opinion is that I asked for coffee.

Just shared via Instagram:

Spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife, so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic.

Seen just now on Slack:

My cat just sneezed a bunch of times in a row and then hissed at himself. What an icon!

Just shared via Instagram:

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

Breaking via LinkedIn:

Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roommate and tell him I’m coming over, so he’ll clean the apartment.

Going bananas on Messenger:

I love Fleetwood Mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just not true.

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Activity Log ✨

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you!” Maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it.

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime.

Thinking the bodega owner likes you is exactly the same as thinking the stripper likes you.

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist who are younger and hotter than me, but OK.

Watching 2+ movies a day to prevent a thought from happening.

I’m convinced the washing machine is a portal to another dimension for socks.

Please hesitate to reach out.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you!” Maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it.

Keep the laugh going 😂

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime.

Thinking the bodega owner likes you is exactly the same as thinking the stripper likes you.

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist who are younger and hotter than me, but OK.

Watching 2+ movies a day to prevent a thought from happening.

I’m convinced the washing machine is a portal to another dimension for socks.

Please hesitate to reach out.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨