45 funny hands quotes - Wordgag

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

May 23, 2026

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

May 23, 2026

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together. What could you possibly be plotting? You can’t even get out of the open window.

May 22, 2026

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you don’t know the man and he doesn’t know you’re eating his popcorn.

May 22, 2026

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you!” Maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it.

May 22, 2026

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

May 22, 2026

I’m not shaking hands anymore. You may bow or kneel down.

May 22, 2026

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables. Turns out I was on the mothership.

May 22, 2026

Wiping my hands on my pants before I’m shaking someone’s hand, so they spend the rest of the day wondering what I just touched.

May 22, 2026

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

May 21, 2026

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realization it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

May 21, 2026

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

May 20, 2026

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes.

May 20, 2026

When life hands me lemons, I put them in the fridge next to the bagged salad I’m also not going to eat.

May 20, 2026

Washing your face is actually multitasking because you are also washing your hands and forearms and shirt and countertop and feet and floor and hair.

May 19, 2026

I love a touchy-feely man. Like, yes, please keep your hands on me.

May 19, 2026

Not a gold digger, but the other night a woman told me her grandpa owns a Christmas tree farm. That shit had me rubbing my hands like a fly.

May 19, 2026

It’s funny how people without pizzas in their hands actually think I’ll answer my door.

May 19, 2026

You get your hands on a real serious pair of scissors and wonder what the hell they were doing with the regular ones.

May 19, 2026

Driving home, listening to Gangsta’s Paradise, with my hands at 10 and 2.

May 19, 2026

I think I’ll just let my jazz hands speak for themselves.

May 19, 2026

Gang members are so lucky to have something to do with their hands in photos.

May 18, 2026

Smoking a cigarette and holding it with both hands.

May 18, 2026

It’s unfortunate that scrubbing the floors on your hands and knees is so much more effective than mopping.

May 6, 2026

It’s so cold, I’m using Chrome instead of Firefox to read the news on my phone, because I need the ads to warm up my phone and hands.

May 6, 2026

According to my skin, hair, lips, and hands, I am doing Dry January.

Apr 1, 2026

The Velvet Underground probably wouldn’t have been so influential if I was at their shows with a giant magnet and pulled their guitars out of their hands.

Apr 1, 2026

Eating rice with my hands, but not in a political way. In a lazy, fat guy way.

Mar 31, 2026

I’m never really sure what to do with my hands when I go jogging, so I don’t go jogging.

Mar 31, 2026

Can’t believe penguins have to publish all those books with their tiny hands.

Mar 31, 2026

Dads were right. Walking around with your hands behind your back and looking at everything around with a mild look of disgust and annoyance is so much fun.

Mar 31, 2026

Men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look into each other’s eyes.

Mar 30, 2026

The only lesson I remember from the pandemic is that you’re only supposed to wash your hands if it’s your birthday.

Mar 30, 2026

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat, like I’m a blackjack dealer.

Mar 30, 2026

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like, “No, I’m not helping.”

Mar 30, 2026

Washing my hands in the sink and then wiping them on my cat, like a towel.

Mar 30, 2026

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

Mar 30, 2026

His hands wouldn’t stop talking to me, your honor.

Mar 29, 2026

You can fake a smile, but you can’t fake jazz hands.

Mar 29, 2026

Love is in the air, but so is the flu. Wash your hands!

Mar 29, 2026