Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.

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But if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job.

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Not all who wander are lost. Some are just moms. In Target. Hiding from their children.

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Every time I spend my own money, I feel like somebody needs to reimburse me.

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I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

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Sorry I’m late, I got here as soon as I wanted to.

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I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast, it had to be done by Elvis.

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I just need to get over everything that has happened to me in my entire life and then we can hang out.

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I don’t wanna meet your family, bring my plate to the car.

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You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

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Have I made bad decisions when I was drunk? Sure. But have the sober ones been any better? Not really.