Every time the universe sends me a sign, I’m like, okay, but I think I’ll wait for a signier sign.

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I set my alarms extra early to make sure I have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up.

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I miss you (the money I spent).

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Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

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Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

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Want to lose weight for the summer? Don’t worry, just check in your luggage at the airport. You’ll never see those pounds again.

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Whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy.

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80 percent of my life now is just “hmmmm… should I bring my jacket or not?”

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Should we all just give up and get really into drugs? Wait, this is literally what happened in the 60s. That just clicked for me.

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Welcome to your 50s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

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They say dress for the job you want, but this baby diaper isn’t very comfortable.