Wordgag ツ

10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇹 has downloaded:

Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has copied:

There are some websites where my password management strategy is to just hit “Forgot my password” every time I need to log in.

Someone from 🇨🇿 has copied:

Easiest way to ragebait a finance bro is to start the ‘why can’t we print more money’ conversation.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has bookmarked:

Anyone else brush their teeth in the shower so they can get a little sloppy with it, or is that just me?

Someone from 🇧🇿 has downloaded:

At bedtime, I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has copied:

Sure, breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing so you can start using it again?

Someone from 🇪🇪 has bookmarked:

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

Someone from 🇸🇪 has bookmarked:

Cannabis has many benefits. For example, it makes you retarded. But in addition, it also makes you lazy. No worries though, it also makes you fat and insane.

Someone from 🇮🇶 has copied:

I hope nobody sees me eating by myself and feels sorry for me. I’m having the time of my life.

Someone from 🇻🇪 has viewed:

Them: You post a lot. What am I supposed to do here – fold laundry on the timeline?

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

105 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,374

Funny Quotes Topics

17,485

Funny Quotes Images

15,374

Jan 2, 2026

3,260

Social Media Log 💫

Live now on Messenger:

Sorry for my bad behavior. Mercury is in gatorade or whatever.

Spotted on Reddit:

When I try to figure out rows vs. columns, I just row away in my boat of confusion!

Going viral on LinkedIn:

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

Spotted on Messenger:

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

Girls will be like “I have so much to do” then grab some snacks and start watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Just landed via Facebook:

Life would be so much easier if you could push a button that makes dickheads fall through a trap door in the floor.

Shared recently on WeChat:

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

Trending via Pinterest:

If you think someone has put a spell on you, send me $500 and I’ll get rid of it.

Making waves on Twitch:

Nobody at this train station knows that there’s a hole in my sock.

Going viral on Instagram:

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

Funny absence quotes

Funny absence quotes bring a hilarious twist to those moments when someone’s not around 🙈 Whether it’s a cheeky excuse or a witty take on missing out, these sayings add humor to the empty chair at work or school 🪑😂 Ready to laugh at the art of being MIA? Let’s dive into some playful gems that celebrate absence with a smile! 😄✨

New funny absence quotes 👇

My dad wasn’t absent or present; he was a secret third thing.

0

2 months ago

absence, absent, dad, family, humor, identity, presence, present, relationship, secret, thing, third
“PTO” stands for “prepare the others” because you’re not gonna be there.

0

2 months ago

absence, humor, joke, leave, office, others, prepare, PTO, workplace
Apparently, “I just don’t want to” is not a valid reason when your boss asks you why you’re not coming in today.

0

2 months ago

absence, apparently, boss, coming, excuse, honesty, humor, i, just, reason, today, unemployment, want, why, work, workplace
You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

0

2 months ago

absence, essential, essential items, everyday, everyday life, good, humor, items, life, necessity, paper, realization, toilet, toilet paper
Christmas is coming and you’re not.

0

2 months ago

absence, anticipation, Christmas, coming, holiday, humor
The role I play at family gatherings is that of the cousin that doesn’t show up anymore.

0

2 months ago

absence, cousin, family, gatherings, humor, i, personality, play, role, show
There is sex without love, there is love without sex, and there is me without both.

0

2 months ago

absence, humor, irony, loneliness, love, me, relationship, sex
Some people aren’t just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone.

0

2 months ago

absence, humor, intelligence, just, missing, people, screw, toolbox, whole
The longer you go without something, the more comfortable you become without it. That goes for people, too.

0

4 months ago

absence, comfort, comfortable, habit, loneliness, longer, people, relationship, something, too
One day my sanity went out for smokes and never came back.

0

6 months ago

absence, addiction, back, came, day, health, humor, loss, mental, mental health, mind, never, sanity, smoke

All funny absence quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

New Funny Quotes

🎲 Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Social Media Stars ⭐

91 shares on Facebook this month:

Gimme coffee or I’ll sleep amok!

45 shares on Twitch this month:

Who needs an alarm clock when you have a bladder.

59 shares on X this month:

How old is older? Because I’m still waiting for this wise thing to kick in.

48 shares on Telegram this month:

Single in the womb, single till the tomb!

49 shares on Facebook this month:

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor. No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

56 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Shit posting is cheaper than therapy.

93 shares on TikTok this month:

When you scream into your pillow, the memory foam never forgets.

32 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Some Uber rides in NYC are the same price as a JetBlue flight to Miami.

26 shares on Telegram this month:

Looking for someone whose favorite thing to do is nothing. No hiking. No adventure. Just bed rot.

13 shares on Discord this month:

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo.

Trending Topics 📁

Hot Jokes 💥

9 folks are currently checking 👀

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single.

12 folks are currently checking 👀

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

22 folks are currently checking 👀

Bold of me to constantly use the phrase “no worries!” when I am, in fact, constantly full of many worries.

14 folks are currently checking 👀

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

19 folks are currently checking 👀

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning. Chill out! You aren’t a Teletubby.

9 folks are currently checking 👀

I’m not easily offended, but I am easily annoyed.

23 folks are currently checking 👀

Job market so bad, I started following my dreams.

14 folks are currently checking 👀

The most expensive clothing you’ll ever wear is a hospital gown.

5 folks are currently checking 👀

Everybody looks sexier when they are happy.

10 folks are currently checking 👀

As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then I got social media.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

105 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,374

Funny Quotes Topics

17,485

Funny Quotes Images

15,374

Updated

Jan 2, 2026

Users Online

3,271

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇨 has viewed:

I already want to come home from work tomorrow.

Someone from 🇱🇧 has shared:

It’s not that I want more shoes, it’s just that they keep making them in my size.

Someone from 🇫🇲 has bookmarked:

If a beer is 8 bucks, it’s a show. If a beer is 14 bucks, it’s a concert.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has copied:

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month.

Someone from 🇱🇰 has bookmarked:

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has copied:

I need an Apple Watch that tracks when my patience runs out.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has viewed:

It’s my birthday, but I’m not gonna post about it for attention like some kind of loser.

Someone from 🇦🇺 has bookmarked:

I hope the coffee hits harder than reality does.

Someone from 🇹🇹 has copied:

If you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has bookmarked:

Taking off my house pajamas to put on my errands pajamas.

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Instagram:

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

Shared recently on Messenger:

Foreplay is great, I particularly like the part where I peel them, chop them into pieces, then roast them in the oven until they’re all crispy and delicious.

Freshly posted on YouTube:

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to.”

Making waves on Reddit:

Don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. It took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels.

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

Eating wings is the opposite of flying.

Going viral on X:

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

Spreading quickly via Discord:

Meetings are a wonderful way to help your employees take a break from being productive.

Spotted on Discord:

I wish the homes of all my friends were connected to mine by secret underground tunnels.

Seen just now on Messenger:

How does one stop eating ice cream when there’s still some in the container?

Shared recently on YouTube:

If you get bitten by a snake and you’re not sure if it was poisonous, simply wait to see if you die or not. That should give you your answer.

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Made with ❤️ in Sydney ☀️🌴