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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇪🇨 has bookmarked:

I find that age is just a number, and the older you get, the number you get.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has viewed:

My youngest had a mandatory drugs and alcohol lecture today at school, and he still can’t mix a proper drink.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has copied:

I stopped writing “Feel free to reach out if you need anything else” at the end of my emails because please don’t do that.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has downloaded:

The length of a LinkedIn Post is directly proportional to the amount of bullshit in it.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has downloaded:

She’s a 10, but she says ‘Orwellian’ when it’s clearly ‘Kafkaesque”.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has bookmarked:

Therapy isn’t enough. I need a new identity and a passport.

Someone from 🇿🇦 has bookmarked:

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

Someone from 🇮🇷 has shared:

Dads hate stopping on road trips because then all of the vehicles they worked hard to pass for the last hour get back ahead of them.

Someone from 🇸🇿 has bookmarked:

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

Someone from 🇬🇪 has downloaded:

Coffee and more coffee is a perfect combo.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

Funny Quotes Images

15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

Users Online

3,551

Social Media Log 💫

Live now on TikTok:

They should invent a day where I don’t think.

Making waves on X:

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes!

Making waves on Discord:

“Made with love,” means I licked the spoon and kept using it.

Live now on LinkedIn:

Done with work today. The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it.

Making waves on TikTok:

Therapy isn’t enough, she needs to know people congratulated me when we broke up.

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

Marriage is scary, what if he doesn’t want our house to look like my Pinterest board.

Seen just now on Twitch:

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener.

Shared recently on Facebook:

Changing your mind is an underrated activity.

Spotted on Twitch:

Love when job applications ask for my desired salary so I can choose between not being hired and being exploited for my work.

Just shared via Instagram:

My life goal is to make you feel as awkward or awesome as you are making me feel.

82 Funny open quotes

More funny open quotes 👇

If one door opens when another door closes, your house is probably haunted.

3 months ago

close, comedy, door, haunted, house, humor, open
When life closes a door, just open it again. It’s a door, that’s how they work.

3 months ago

again, door, humor, just, life, logic, open, optimism, perspective, problem-solving, work

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All funny open quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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Social Media Stars ⭐

18 shares on Discord this month:

Everyone tells me “take care”, but no one tells me why.

90 shares on Slack this month:

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

36 shares on Instagram this month:

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

34 shares on Instagram this month:

My biggest sexual fantasy is someone throwing a million dollars on my naked body and then leaving me alone.

77 shares on YouTube this month:

The Princess and the Pea, except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day.

55 shares on X this month:

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat, like I’m a blackjack dealer.

17 shares on Threads this month:

We literally used to write an essay by hand.

15 shares on Discord this month:

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen.

32 shares on Snapchat this month:

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke.

77 shares on Instagram this month:

Watching my wife absolutely hate my daughter’s boyfriend while being nice and hospitable to him has made me question every interaction I’ve had with another human being in my life.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇪🇹 has downloaded:

I don’t get enough credit for acting far less crazy than I actually am.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has shared:

I wish I got hotter every time a man made me mad.

Someone from 🇸🇻 has bookmarked:

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

Someone from 🇮🇹 has viewed:

People say opposites attract, but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has bookmarked:

Caffeine is not enough anymore, I need to chew on a power line.

Someone from 🇰🇿 has shared:

“I asked ChatGPT.” Okay, well, I asked Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has shared:

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has copied:

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up on the couch.

Someone from 🇷🇼 has shared:

Going to work has backfired on me so many times.

Someone from 🇧🇫 has shared:

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

Social Media Log 💫

Trending via WeChat:

Biting your tongue while eating is a perfect example of how you can still screw up, even with decades of experience.

Shared recently on WeChat:

Have you ever met the human version of a headache?

Just shared via LinkedIn:

My running speed is very slow because the Discman wasn’t allowed to shake in the past.

Live now on WeChat:

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

Making waves on Pinterest:

Listen to the birds, not the news.

Just landed via Twitch:

Sometimes I wish I was a millennial, so I could talk about sex with my friends.

Just landed via Slack:

No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with.

Just shared via Threads:

There’s no post-breakup healing process for girls. You just wake up one day and be like, “Ew,” and you’re free.

Trending via Instagram:

I remember when “disinformation” used to be called “lies.”

Freshly posted on Messenger:

The rumors of my will to live have been greatly exaggerated.

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Activity Log ✨

82 Funny open quotes

More funny open quotes 👇

If one door opens when another door closes, your house is probably haunted.

When life closes a door, just open it again. It’s a door, that’s how they work.

All funny open quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Social Media Stars ⭐

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