181 Funny today quotes

Trending Funny Today Quotes 🔥

Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today and nextday!
The only squat I’m even considering doing today is diddly.
Today is a wonderful day to leave me alone.
Whenever I lose my faith in justice, I look at the high school beauties from back then today. Then I’m fine again.
I saw someone wearing a shirt today that said “Eat Pasta Run Fasta,” and I can’t get it out of my head.

More funny today quotes 👇

5 months ago
Share →: Whenever I lose my faith in justice, I look at the high school beauties from back then today. Then I’m fine again.

Commentary:
"Who needs justice when you have the eternal glow-up of high school beauties to restore your faith? 🌟💅 #PrioritiesInCheck"
5 months ago
Share →: I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a sabbatical was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

Commentary:
Ah, the harsh reality of marriage – it's not all sabbaticals and relaxation! 🤣 Looks like someone didn't get the memo that "for better or for worse" includes vacation time! 💔 #MarriageStruggles #SabbaticalDenied
5 months ago
Share →: I’m already excited about who I’m going to think sucks first today.

Commentary:
"Ah, the thrill of strategic suckage selection! Who will earn the prestigious title of 'First to Suck' today? 🤔 May the odds be ever in your favor! 😂"
5 months ago
Share →: Today I couldn’t find a parking space at work, so I drove back home. Looks like they have enough people there.

Commentary:
"Today's parking dilemma at work felt like a real-life game of musical chairs! 🚗🎶 Seems like my office has a 'no vacancy' sign up – maybe I should try carpooling with the next passing pigeon. 🐦😆"
5 months ago
Share →: Back then, my parents were afraid of what I would do on the Internet. Today, I’m afraid of what my parents do on the Internet.

Commentary:
Ah, how the tables have turned! 🔄🙈 It seems the generation gap has shrunk to a mere Wi-Fi signal 📶, with parents now mastering the art of memes and emojis while their tech-savvy offspring raise an eyebrow at their online antics. Who knew our biggest concern would be explaining to our parents that not everything on the internet is true… 🤷‍♂️🤦‍♀️🤣
5 months ago
Share →: I used to look for monsters under the bed. Today I know they are behind some people’s fake smiles.

Commentary:
"Who knew the scariest creatures weren't lurking under the bed, but hiding behind those fake smiles all along? 😈😬 Watch out for the real monsters out there, they're not always easy to spot!"
5 months ago
Share →: I visited my doctor today. He told me my sugar was too high. So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.

Commentary:
Looks like someone took the doctor's advice quite literally! 🍬👩‍⚕️ Moving sugar to a lower shelf counts as reducing sugar intake, right? Sometimes you just gotta take matters into your own hands…or pantry shelves! 😄 #SweetSolutions
5 months ago
Share →: If I had today’s mind, I wouldn’t have made yesterday’s mistake. But if I hadn’t made yesterday’s mistake, I wouldn’t have today’s mind.

Commentary:
Ah, the great paradox of life – we learn from our mistakes, yet sometimes wish we had learned without making them in the first place! 🤔💡 It's like saying, "If only I could time-travel and give my past self a heads-up!" 😅🕰️ Embrace the journey of growth and introspection, even if it involves some hilarious hindsight shenanigans! 🌟🤣
5 months ago
Share →: I’m not saying I need glasses. But today I watched a bunny in a meadow until it flew away.

Commentary:
Who knew bunnies had such impressive wings, right? 🐰✈️ Looks like it might be time for a quick trip to the optometrist! 😅👓
5 months ago
Share →: I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today.

Commentary:
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, why work hard at all? 😄 Looks like today, it's personality for the win! 💁‍♂️ #LetPersonalityShine"