Wordgag ツ

10,000+ funny quotes

63 Funny unexpected quotes

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

3 months ago

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than expected.

3 months ago

I don’t need the web for attention, I jog in a wedding dress.

3 months ago

Pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian.

3 months ago

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit.

3 months ago

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt. This isn’t what I wanted.

3 months ago

Out of sheer boredom, I opened the front door and rang the doorbell. I was so happy.

3 months ago

Women are able to leave the country unexpectedly at any time with the contents of their handbag.

3 months ago

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like “please don’t vacuum your sister”

3 months ago

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking.

3 months ago

There are rumors that someone came down the chimney last night. This is preposterous. I would have lost my mind.

3 months ago

When you get angry, take a breath and count to ten. Throw a punch at eight. Nobody expects that.

3 months ago

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room, dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence.

3 months ago

Getting a key tattoo, but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo, so no one ever finds it.

3 months ago

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

3 months ago

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

3 months ago

Imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog.

3 months ago

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

3 months ago

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again.

3 months ago

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

3 months ago