Girls really only want one simple thing; and that one thing is all of your attention.

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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

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At bedtime, I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

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Getting a key tattoo, but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo, so no one ever finds it.

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Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover, it’s just Tuesday.

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Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

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How does world hunger exist when we can fry air?

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I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee, so now I’m tired but faster.

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If you don’t have a favorite spatula yet, you still have some growing up to do.

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Is there an app yet that converts voice messages into text messages?

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Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats.