Grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk.

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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

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Every morning I wake up and think I have a hangover, but then I realize I didn’t drink, and this is just how I feel now.

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The sluttiest thing a man can do is have an ethical dilemma over his lust for you.

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If you’re riding a bike in New York City, it means you care about your health. Riding one in Tennessee means you got a DUI.

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If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

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I wish I could turn everyone I love into a trinket, so I can keep them forever, because I am greedy and selfish.

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The cool side of the pillow just stole my boyfriend.

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Normalize saying, “I’m not informed enough to have an opinion on the matter.”

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So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner.

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Watching someone else control the computer and doing it differently than you would, is one of life’s greatest challenges.