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Commentary:
"Sorry, I can't join the mafia, I need my beauty sleep! 💤 Plus, I hear their late night meetings are to die for! 😂🕴️💼 #SleepFirstCrimeLater"

guys, humor, i, joke, late, lifestyle, mafia, never, night, sleep, stay

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92 shares on WhatsApp this month:

All I’m saying is that big burgers should be wider not taller.

82 shares on Slack this month:

Banks should have a gold bar that you can go in and touch when you feel poor.

34 shares on Facebook this month:

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand?

70 shares on TikTok this month:

My life coach traded me.

41 shares on Telegram this month:

Aging isn’t even 1% as scary as whatever is going on with the people trying not to.

99 shares on Telegram this month:

Who called it a period tracker instead of a madvent calendar?

53 shares on X this month:

Why waste words or gestures when a raised eyebrow is enough to make a statement?

13 shares on Discord this month:

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

42 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Being excited to get in bed is a different level of adulting.

17 shares on LinkedIn this month:

So my wife goes, “It’s not you — it’s me.” Obviously written by ChatGPT.

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Someone from 🇲🇪 has shared:

Never going into a job interview nervous again, because, wow, it is literally a free invitation to talk about how amazing I am.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has downloaded:

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Someone from 🇱🇧 has shared:

My most abusive relationship is with my own brain.

Someone from 🇦🇲 has copied:

Washing your face is actually multitasking because you are also washing your hands and forearms and shirt and countertop and feet and floor and hair.

Someone from 🇰🇪 has viewed:

If you’re dating an alpha female, you need to know that they need to be babied at night, or else they will turn into a dragon.

Someone from 🇺🇦 has bookmarked:

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

Someone from 🇷🇸 has shared:

Exercise gives you energy, but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has copied:

I saw someone wearing a shirt today that said “Eat Pasta Run Fasta,” and I can’t get it out of my head.

Someone from 🇧🇦 has downloaded:

I have been touched inappropriately by the sun today.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has bookmarked:

I stopped adding “Let me know if you have any more questions!” to my emails because don’t email me again.

Social Media Log 💫

Trending via Snapchat:

In banana years, I am bread.

Spotted on TikTok:

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

Live now on Messenger:

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”.

Shared recently on WeChat:

I don’t drink coffee all the time. I take breaks in between to make another one.

Just shared via Reddit:

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Shared recently on Threads:

Raisins also have wrinkles and are still sweet.

Broadcasted on Reddit:

I miss when my biggest problem was whether my Happy Meal toy matched the one from the commercial.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

Coughing has finally overtaken speaking Arabic as the most taboo thing to do in an airport.

Just shared via X:

Putting a baby on board sticker on my car because other drivers have a right to know who they’re dealing with behind the wheel.

Going viral on Instagram:

Hear me out, a Q-Tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away.

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Activity Log ✨

I could never be in the mafia, those guys stay up way to late.

You’re not stuck in traffic. You are traffic.

Forget cheating, that’s young people’s shit. I’m ready to get married and have an affair.

I’m thinking stuff like “yeah” and also stuff like “yup.”

“What do you do for a living?” I do my best.

A thing I never realized about being an adult is that you will always be cleaning your kitchen. No matter if you get takeout, no matter if you’re gone all day, you will be cleaning the kitchen.

My toxic trait is treating my glasses like they’re not the most expensive thing I wear everyday.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I could never be in the mafia, those guys stay up way to late.

Keep the laugh going 😂

You’re not stuck in traffic. You are traffic.

Forget cheating, that’s young people’s shit. I’m ready to get married and have an affair.

I’m thinking stuff like “yeah” and also stuff like “yup.”

“What do you do for a living?” I do my best.

A thing I never realized about being an adult is that you will always be cleaning your kitchen. No matter if you get takeout, no matter if you’re gone all day, you will be cleaning the kitchen.

My toxic trait is treating my glasses like they’re not the most expensive thing I wear everyday.

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