I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

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I’m always sad when my sandwich is over.

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Nothing prepares you for the day you wake up and realize you have a favorite cardigan.

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In a room full of art, I’d still stare at you.

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I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.

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You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing.

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The more stupid the views, the harder it is to talk people out of them.

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Being sober would be a lot easier if I liked myself.

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One year closer to whatever age my obituary will say.

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“PTO” stands for “prepare the others” because you’re not gonna be there.

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God: “You can’t just say ‘Goddammit!’ and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.”