I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead.

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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of Pi.

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Pets can’t talk but everyone loves them. This is not a coincidence.

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The best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3 a.m.

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They should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has copied:

Having Twitter is just like reading the newspaper, except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you.

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Everyone’s a gangster until their doorbell rings.

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You know when you have so much to do that you just sit down and do nothing?

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I don’t just hold a grudge; I love it, pet it, feed it and take it for long walks on the beach.

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Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

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Today is one of those days that even my coffee needs a coffee.