If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

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The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.

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I put the dance in “Good riddance!”

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My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog.

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I touched grass today, and I’m still like this. Please advise.

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When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

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I tried to embrace my flaws. They filed a restraining order.

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I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

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Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable.

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Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.

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If Twitter has taught me anything, a lot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee.