If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?

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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please make it study.

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You know what I never see anymore are those old alcoholics with the weird noses.

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Today I told my daughter she’s giving me a headache! She told me “For suggestions and complaints, contact the manufacturer.”

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My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

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When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

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I’m so single. When they ask me for an emergency contact, I put the neighbor’s dog.

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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or blocks you. Whatever.

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My playlist so bipolar. We either in love, depressed, or gang members.

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I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat!

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Not to brag but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.