If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time, the universe will just be like “Lol, nice try, dummy!”

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Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you wanted.

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Running feels great until you compare it to not running.

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Some people find it strange when you talk to your pet. I find conversations with some people much stranger.

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Cleaning your glasses is like changing from 360p to 1080p.

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You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back.

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When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

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“I saw your ex!” A very unnecessary piece of information.

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Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together.

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I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realize you had a meme to back you up.

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I have no beef with vegetarians.