If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

72 shares on WeChat this month:

There are only two kinds of people, and I avoid them both.

18 shares on Instagram this month:

Please pray for our son, who had to unload the dishwasher when “he just did this yesterday, and he’s tired.”

13 shares on YouTube this month:

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online, it’s not that I lied; it’s just that I failed.

23 shares on Instagram this month:

My husband told me that he used my sock trick on a recent trip, so he wouldn’t lose any. Reader, my “sock trick” is rolling matching pairs together.

69 shares on WeChat this month:

Feeling feral. Better make some mac and cheese.

80 shares on Twitch this month:

If you’ve never been hit with gay allegations, you’re not fly enough.

85 shares on Snapchat this month:

Women will invite you to shower with them, then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed.

91 shares on Pinterest this month:

It’s been so long since I had sex last, went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound.

46 shares on Instagram this month:

I’ve reached the age where I just bought a bird bath for my backyard.

35 shares on Messenger this month:

I am staying up till a million o’clock tonight.