Imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in.

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Microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie.

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The female brain works like the internet. You can delete something, but it’s never really gone.

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Don’t be sad, laundry, nobody’s doing me either.

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I miss having that butterfly feeling. People give me roach vibes at this point.

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The worst part about going to work is the part where you have to go to work.

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Going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh, this is how you’re living?!”

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So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

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Anytime someone comments on my weight, I try to ignore them and keep my chins up.

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For a guy with no reflection, Dracula’s eyeliner is always flawless.

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One of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through.