I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

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I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

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You realize you’re getting old when your body parts start fighting over which one hurts first.

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I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale.

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“Autophagy” would be a beautiful name for a girl.

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I’m growing a mullet so no one will want to hangout with me.

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Thanks to AI, some of us went from being told by our parents not to trust the internet to having to tell our parents not to trust the internet.

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Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire”?

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People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura.

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People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

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That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.