Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

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Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

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The name Ella is short for Mozzarella.

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Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here. Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s all that happens in small towns.

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Online dating is stupid because scent is such an important factor of attraction.

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Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

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I stay up late every night, regret it in the morning, and the next day I do it all over again.

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Relationship tip: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

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Sorry, I’m late. I got caught up at home being happy.

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People need to understand the difference between want and need. Like, I want abs, but I need chocolate.

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The heart wants what it wants, but it’s not the only organ that has a vote.